ANTOINETTE: Gonna Be Alright?

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, “This is my message to you:”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be alright. Don’t worry!”

Some mornings, I need a little Bob Marley to get me going. Today was one of those mornings. I was tired and cranky and about to start a 13-hour nursery shift while on my pediatrics rotation. Then I saw Baby D, swaddled in hospital blankets and lying in his neonatal ICU (NICU) crib. I grinned widely to myself.

Mommy D had been my patient at the end of July when I was on the Labor & Delivery OB service. She was 25 years old, just a year younger than me, and she was pregnant with Baby #4. Of her 3 kids, she only had custody of one; she wasn’t even sure if she was going to keep Baby D.

Mommy D was addicted to crack cocaine.

It could have been the reason why her water ruptured prematurely at 30.2 weeks. And as a result Baby D was struggling in utero with almost no amniotic fluid to cushion him. On ultrasound, he wasn’t breathing or moving much. We tried to prolong Baby D’s delivery as long as possible, to give his lungs a chance to mature, but he was eventually welcomed into the world, albeit 2 months early.

Fast forward one month. Mommy D has not visited or called about Baby D in the NICU since she was discharged from the hospital. Baby D has periventricular leukomalacia and some calcifications of the brain (maybe due to a maternal TORCH infection). He may also have microcephaly and long-term neuro deficits. Essentially, Mommy D’s addiction has caused holes in Baby D’s brain. It was like one of those Saturday morning public service announcements – this is your brain on drugs – but in the flesh, in the form of this infant in my arms.

DFACS has been called and Baby D will probably be discharged to foster care once he’s stable and eating on his own. As I rocked him for almost an hour, holding him tight to my chest and humming a song, I couldn’t keep the tears back. What a sweet, sweet baby. With so many cards stacked against him already.

I’m going to listen to Whitney and my mentor on this one: Crack is whack. It ruins lives. It strips people of their futures. It kills hope.

So often, I’m plagued by the question: Is every little thing gonna be alright? I’d like to think so. But I know the truth is: not always.

So, I’ll make sure to hug Baby D extra tight tomorrow, even if it does cause tears to roll down my face.